Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Forgiving my abusers - part of my healing

This poster says "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you"

November 7, 2007

I had been contemplating for years if I should forgive my many abusers. I had been angry for years and would not give up that anger that was eating away at me. It was my baggage of despair, of
hopelessness, of shame.

I decided within the last month to forgive all my abusers - my parents, my Uncle Lyman, my former husband Fred, and many others I shall not mention.

I felt the anger and hate towards my abusers was eating at the very core of my soul. It affected my health greatly. I would overeat when I felt the feelings of anger and I ate to comfort myself
into being comfortably numb. I also used psychiatric drugs that were toxic to numb me.

I realized last month, hating my abusers was futile. It was wasting my precious energy everyday that I could be doing something useful and more meaningful.

I prayed in my heart to let the anger and hate leave me and I saw a phoenix in my mind flying from out of the ashes, the ashes of emotional pain I hung on for years. I don't want that emotional baggage weighing me down anymore. I want to live my live and be free of the anger. Anger is fear.

I want to let know of the many layers of pain I have surrounding my body which is the layers of fat that insulated me from feeling any emotional pain. I don't need to overeat and stuff down my emotions
from the pain from the past. I have suffered enough.

Today I got up and went on the internet and felt happier than I have been in my life. I felt lighter,
not holding on to past anymore.

I want to feel all my feelings without having to use food to numb them.

Just because I forgave my abusers does not mean I have to associate with those people. I have
cut them off years ago, but I had not forgiven them for many years.

Anger is a waste of time for me especially when it was something that happened many years ago.
Some of the abuse damaged me badly, but it is up to my heal, that is my job. I have done lots
of healing in the past. I have had alternative therapists, feminist therapists, sexual abuse counsellors,
social workers, regression therapist, and the list goes on.

I like to draw and am not very good at it but I try. I want to art today and have fun. I laugh more
and smile more than I ever have. When I laugh it is a deep belly laugh and I feel so much better.
Laughter is the best medicine and it costs nothing.

Forgiveness is a journey, it takes time to be able to forgive people who hurt you. Those people need to forgive themselves also.

You can't forget what happened to you. It stays with you all your life but you learn how to cope with all the trauma.

I just wanted to share that with you all.

Forgiving feels good, I feel free to be me and not have part of my soul imprisoned by anger and
rage and animosity towards my abusers.

I know my truth and my abusers know who they are.

I believe that victims and abusers both need healing. Abusers have often been hurt themselves and then they lash out at others. I am not saying what abusers do is ok, I am saying they were once
victims themselves. Abusers need to look at themselves and take stock of their lives and see
how they have hurt people and see how the long term effects of what they have done can have on their victims and their families and friends. I believe anyone can change if they want to and have the desire and realize what they have done is wrong.

The criminal justice system needs to do more healing work with people inside our prison system.
The present system does not work. Putting someone in a cage is inhumane. There needs to be
preventive measures taken when problems arise in kids, not later on when they commit the crimes.
Violence is not ok. We need to work to making our communities safer and by making our
citizens feel secure. This can only be done if everyone in the communities work together for the greater good of all.

Compassion for all goes a long way....I have come to this point in my life where I realize this.

I know this to be true.

Love is the answer.